For some reason, I like to write early in the morning. Or would it be considered late at night? It’s 3:06 AM on Tuesday, February 12, 2013. I have class today at 2:10 in the afternoon. About 11 hours from now, actually. I took a Melatonin last night because I knew sleeping would be difficult but obviously it isn’t working. I slept literally all afternoon yesterday. I woke up at noon, got up for an hour, then went back to sleep until 3:00. It was ridiculous. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I laid in bed the rest of the day. My mom had me call Dr. Ordella but I don’t know what that’s going to do since we basically abandoned our doctor/patient relationship last time we had a visit. I highly doubt she’s going to be of any help. And I don’t see Allister until Wednesday. I’m at a loss. I do everything I’m supposed to do. I do Opposite Action (except for yesterday, yesterday I didn’t do squat!), I practice resistance when it comes to cutting, I attend therapy and group every single week, I visit with my psychiatrist once a month, I take my medicine every day and what? What happens? I’m still miserable. I don’t understand. And I’ve recently learned that this whole ‘chemical imbalance in the brain’ thing might not even be true. Some scientists believe it was gimmick made up by the drug companies to make people take medication. That’s really promising, right? That’s really reassuring that the one thing that I actually took solace in, the one thing that actually convinced me this was an actual disease might not even be true. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with this knowledge. Ruin other people’s lives? Shatter other people’s hopes for treatment? Deja vu! Whoa! I’m listening to “You’ll Be In My Heart” by Phil Collins. It’s on my Anti-Happiness playlist on YouTube. I’m depressed, okay? This song always reminds me of my dad. I’m so scared I’m going to lose him and this song perfectly captures that feeling. Okay, anyway, back to the issue, I don’t know what to do about this depression. And no one else seems to know either. I almost feel crazy. I feel like I’m in gym class, climbing that rope where you have to ring the cow bell at the top. Well, I’m at the top, ringing that stupid bell and no one’s around to hear. And no one’s around to tell me how to get down. I’m stuck up here, alone, screaming for help. I have no idea what to do. And I’m sick of feeling that way too. I’m sick of feeling like there’s no hope for me. I’m sick of feeling out of control. I feel like there’s no hope for me. I need control in my life. I need to be able to handle some portion of my life somehow. But how? I don’t know. I’m lost. And I don’t know how to find my way back. I’m getting sleepy.
What the hell am I doing? I’m so lost and confused. I’m wandering in the woods. I can hear the wolves and I’m not sure how close they are. I feel like they’ve caught my scent. It’s 4:45 AM on Sunday morning. February 10, 2013. I haven’t written in like 2 weeks. Shame on me. I do apologize for that. But I am in the grips of a horrible depression right now. I’m not sure how to get out of it either. That’s what I mean by the wolves. They’re coming after me. They’re named Cutting, Depression and Suicide. Cutting visited me last night. Yes, unfortunately, I broke my streak. It was a short-lived one; only a few weeks. Technically, I scratched myself. I didn’t feel like getting up to get my scissors. That’s how bad the depression has got me. I can’t even get up to try and relieve the pressure it’s putting on me. I had the urge all day. I tried OA (Opposite Action) by doing my homework literally all day which is a whole other story because my teacher is really stupid! My online teacher is in Hawaii because she’s an adjunct professor the school hired. She made assignments due every four days instead of every week. And it’s a lot of freaking work! So I missed the second assignment because I was under the impression that it was due on the following Saturday (yesterday), not Wednesday. She even emailed me to ask me what was going on. Luckily, she let me turn it in late but I was still really pissed off. I spent my day doing that, picking Thomas up, sleeping, sitting on Pinterest, and writing. I even went and told my mom that I felt like cutting. But finally, the pressure was too much. I couldn’t stand it anymore. Nothing was working. So I did it. I couldn’t resist anymore. I made plans tomorrow to spend some time with Allison so that I’m not as alone as today. She understands what I’m going through with depression. This is just so frustrating! I feel like every time I take three steps forward, I take five steps backward. I don’t know if it’s because I’m finally getting somewhere in therapy; I’m making new revelations about myself that I’ve never touched on before. Is that scaring me too much? Is that freaking me out enough that subconsciously I’m sabotaging myself? The other day in group, we talked about change and how people become comfortable in their depression. I was saying that my self-esteem is so low that it sort of feeds on itself. It’s like a cycle. I’m not allowed to do certain things. I’m not allowed to feel certain ways or things. If I do, bad things happen. If not to me, then to my family. And that’s not okay. It’s hard to explain. Okay, so like if I get a good grade in class, I’m not allowed to be proud of myself because I should have had that good grade in the first place. I didn’t earn anything. That’s how most of my accomplishments work. I didn’t earn them. It was an expectation I fulfilled, not an accomplishment I surpassed. When I was a child, I was really naive. I let all kinds of stuff get to me and bother me. I thought everyone was going to be my best friend. When that didn’t happen, I was devastated. Honestly, looking back, it looks like the early signs of BPD. The extremes of emotion, the black and white of relationships, it’s all there. Anyway, when that kept happening over and over again, I finally threw up a wall and decided to make it stop happening. I stopped being vulnerable. I started being mean instead. Well, that got me friends but not the very best kind. It attracted the wrong sort to me and I got mixed up in some crazy stuff. My BPD symptoms fed on the negativity. The compounded effects seem to dig a deeper trench and solidify the values and beliefs I’d developed about people and myself. There are a few that I don’t think will ever change. And I know a lot of them are really cynical and negative but I think they’re true. I’ll try to ramble off five.
1. People are always after something. No one does anything for free.
2. People usually don’t have nice things to say. And they usually don’t have the guts to say it to your face.
3. People lie. Plain and simple, they never tell the truth.
4. If people have the chance, they’ll pick themselves over you. There’s never any doubt who comes first.
5. It doesn’t matter how much you do for a person, they’ll use you until you’re dead.
Okay, there’s five of my core beliefs about people. They’re horrible creatures. And I’m not saying this is true for all of them but it’s a pretty accurate model for most of them. Like it doesn’t fit for most family members. But it definitely fits for friends. And then I remember that I don’t have any friends. I think that part of my life is really eating away at me right now. I’m so lonely. And there’s nothing I can do about it. I need to try to have a more active relationship with Ty and Allison. It’s just so difficult when you’re depressed. I mean, they both understand where I’m coming from but even knowing that makes it hard to pick up the phone. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve been in therapy for 2 1/2 years now. I’ve been in group for 6 months. I’ve been on medication for 2 1/2 years. I’m running out of options. This shit needs to stop. I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing and it’s still not stopping. I just want it to end. I just want the cutting to end. I feel like crying all the time. I’ve made a playlist on YouTube that I listen to nonstop called “Anti-Happiness.” I get mad at myself sometimes for still missing Mara. I don’t want to but at least with her, I had some company. The depression was a different, less lonely kind. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m running out of options. I feel like I’m at a dead end and everyone but Allister has given up on me. I’m not sure where to go from here.