Fearing the Wise Mind

wiseowlLast night I don’t feel like I got my point across very well. This is a very complicated emotion thus the struggle I’m having in effectively communicating what the hell it is I’m feeling about it. First off, let me explain what happened. Ever since I was little, I’ve felt my parents have favored Thomas. It was always little stuff like giving him more praise for a good job in school but its effect was felt. Rather than get mad and become evil and bent on total domination or human destruction, I internalized everything and pushed myself to be better than Thomas so that I could, one day, receive the same love and affection that he did. I want to make it clear that I was never angry about it. I was hurt and each time the favoritism was evident, I was more determined to win over their love. Well, this internalization, we (as in me and Allister) believe, led to my many problems today. Perfectionism? I got that down. Unrealistic expectations? Check. The problem with this little theory though, is that 1) I don’t want to be angry with my parents and I feel like that’s what is being said. I feel like I have to be. But, after giving it consideration last night, the reason I don’t want to be angry at them is because, in my mind, being angry at them means not loving them. Using my rational mind, I know that’s not true. I know that no matter what I’m feeling towards my parents that I love them. My emotional mind is saying something completely different. It’s saying that being mad at them means there’s no room for loving them. It means I would have to revert back to the way things were a while ago when it was constant fighting and just bitter hatred. So what’s my wise mind saying? Well, it’s saying that it’s okay to be angry and still love them. But, me being the willful person I am, I don’t completely trust my wise mind. I still haven’t successfully separated my emotions from things like love so how do I know it’s different this time? What if it’s not and I’m destined to become that child that shoots up a school or something because in her eyes, her parents never loved her enough? I mean, that’s what it really boils down to. Thomas receives more love than I do. God, even typing that was hard. See, whenever I bring this to their attention (and I have on numerous occasions), they always have some rational explanation for their behavior. And at first, it makes perfect sense. But the more I think about it, the more it doesn’t and I’m even more pissed off that I fell for it in the first place. No parent wants to think they made mistakes. I get that. But when the kid who’s supposedly favored even sees it, that’s a problem. And Allister stated the obvious yesterday, which is why I think I got so upset. I’m never going to get an apology from them. I’m never going to hear them say they’re sorry for what they’ve done. And worst of all, I’m never going to be on equal ground as Thomas. And this is where radical acceptance comes in. That’s the hardest skill of all, one that I’m not sure I’m ever going to master. How do you radically accept that your parents love you less than your brother? I don’t hate Thomas or hold any animosity towards him over this either. Actually, Thomas and I are very close. But accepting that, in my parents’ eyes, I will never be on the same level is like the dagger to the heart. I already drive that point home every time I think about all the ways I’ve failed in life so radically accepting that on top of all of those failures…well, maybe it’s a point of accepting them too. Oh God, there’s so much acceptance to be done! When it comes to that, I just freeze up. I can’t do it. I don’t know what it is about radically accepting something that I don’t get but I just can’t seem to grasp the concept. I think it’s the finality of all of it. It’s the fact that once I’ve accepted whatever I’m accepting, I’m resigned to whatever fate accompanies that acceptance. And the more I think about it, accepting the fact that my parents will never love me as much as they love Thomas (God, that sounds so terrible! Maybe it’s ‘the fact that my parents will never love me in the same way they love Thomas.’ Yea, I like that better), the fate that I would be resigned to if I accepted that is Recovery. It would be a step in the right direction, a step I would be taking without my parents. Although it would be a step for me, it’s a step without them and that scares the crap out of me. Fear is a powerful motivator. But it’s also a powerful inhibitor. And I think it’s keeping me from truly getting better. So how do I get around this practically insurmountable object? I mean, Allister said the exact same thing to me yesterday in therapy and what did I do? I completely shut down. I went home and slept for 2 hours. I avoided. I ran away from my problems. Something I’m even struggling not to do right now. I’ve hovered my cursor over the ‘Save Draft’ button numerous times while writing this, wondering if I had the strength to continue. I think I have some serious work ahead of me. It’s not going to be easy and it’s not going to be fun. But it needs to be done.

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Too Tired

Today will most likely be a double post day. Why? Because it’s 3:49 AM and I usually post on Wednesday mornings, just not at this ungodly hour. I can’t sleep again. Same reasons: every time I close my eyes, I picture something horrible happening to my family. I’ve been sleeping with the light on to combat this problem recently but even then, I still have trouble staying asleep. I’m tired, don’t misunderstand me, but I can’t stay asleep. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world. I figured I’d do some opposite action and get up, do something else and then try to fall asleep later. I don’t know how late later will be though. I’ve made some progress over these past few days in dealing with relationships. I don’t know if I mentioned this in my post the other day. I know last week I was talking about the prospect of new relationships and how that really frightened me. Well, on Sunday I did my deviance project with Amanda and Ty at Ikea. We were supposed to do something deviant, that is act out of the normal. We decided to mess around by sleeping in the beds, racing desk chairs and sitting next to customers who were testing out couches. It was pretty fun. And before we started, Ty was running late so Amanda and I talked for about half an hour. I was honest and acted like myself…and she didn’t run for the hills. It was really reassuring. And the next day (Monday), we even made plans to take classes with each other next semester. I was worried that this would be a temporary relationship, one that only lasted as long as the project/class did, but it doesn’t seem to be working out that way. I had a really good time Sunday. And on Monday, I had to work on another group project (with a different group for my computer class) and had a really good time then too. I’d met with Casey and Ryan on Friday at my house. We’d ordered pizza and worked on our project for about 3 hours. We found out on Monday (the teacher gave us all class period to work on it then too) that the project was due Wednesday and we weren’t finished. We met up again at Casey’s house. Ryan couldn’t stay long but Casey and I got a lot of work (and talking) done. We worked on it again yesterday (Tuesday since it’s past midnight), and actually spent more time talking about other things than we did working on the project. Again, I was brutally honest, sharing the fact that I had BPD, depression, was a cutter and my whole Mara situation. And that was something that was both relieving and scary. But again, she didn’t reject me. She actually related to me in a way. I don’t know, I don’t think the entire experience was all that negative, something I’m not used to.

That was written as it says, at 3:49 AM. It’s now 10:01 AM and a cup of coffee later. I didn’t present my group project in computer class this morning. Only two groups got to go. We’re going on Friday, but I’m a little relieved. It gives us a little longer to make sure we really understand the material. And I meant what I said about those relationships. Casey now texts me all the time. Ryan’s phone is broken so we don’t stay in touch as much but when I see him, we say hi and joke around so it’s not so bad. I definitely think this is a step in the right direction. I hope I don’t regret saying that. I mean, even admitting that this is a positive thing, something that’s good for me, is difficult. Take Montreal for example. He’s good for me. He genuinely loves me, flaws and all. I treat him like shit though. I ignore him for days, don’t pick up his phone calls and never return them. He doesn’t get mad at me though, he knows (I think) that it’s all part and parcel of being in a relationship with me. That’s where a little of that narcissism I mentioned a few posts back comes in. It’s a little self-centered for me to be doing this but I can’t help it. I know Allister, opposite action! Don’t worry, I’m working on it! I’ve been trying to reply to him and respond to his phone calls (I still haven’t overcome answering them) but it’s difficult. I feel like I’m being smothered a little bit. And the fact that he doesn’t get mad at me when I ignore him really bothers me. Like, that should upset you but he’s got me on such a high pedestal that he doesn’t think I can do wrong. I’ve been trying to destroy that perfect image of me but it doesn’t work. He’s just so accepting of everything I do, say and am. I’ve never experienced that before. Some of it, I think, is my semi-conscious attempt to sabotage this relationship. I’m trying to tip the scale and make it more dysfunctional. It’s failing miserably though. I don’t know. I’m writing about it on my Interpersonal Effectiveness homework and that’s helping. It’s allowing me to see a new perspective. And I’ve contacted my cousin who’s a pastor, to see if he can’t provide some spiritual insight. I hope he can. Prayers have been tumbling out of my mouth like a waterfall. Every time I hear a siren, I pray. When the urge randomly strikes me, I pray. I saw a tow truck yesterday and the part that holds the car was folded up against the truck. It was in the shape of a cross so what did I do? You guessed it, I started praying. At night, when I can’t sleep, I pray for my family and for myself. I’m scared that demons are going to come stealthily through the night and torturously (I don’t think that’s a word but it is now!) murder my family, forcing me to watch. He’d spare me and the dog, making sure we saw every gruesome detail, then he would let me sit for a while, brewing, until he was ready to kill me too. That’s what I’m afraid of. Of the unknown. I can’t see these enemies. God can, but I can’t, so I have to ask God for protection, for forgiveness and for strength. That’s why my light stays on at night. I feel like if the light’s on, God can better see the demons trying to enter the house. Maybe I should burn sage and have Pastor Merrit come over and bless the house. That would be nice. I highly doubt it would let me sleep at night but that’s beside the point. I’m really tired this morning. Like when this happened last week, I was able to tough it out and make it through the days without sleeping but today, my eyes keep going out of focus, a hint that I’m sleepy. Maybe I’m not thinking clearly from this sudden lack of sleep. After I wrote the blog post above, I watched an episode of Law and Order: SVU and then tried to sleep again. I tossed, turned and pushed Poco around until my alarm went off at 6:00. I got up, and got ready without incident. But maybe because I hardly slept last week, and my lack of decent REM this week has made me more than a little delusional. Maybe that’s why I’m so terrified. Allister was telling me just last night that the way to combat anxiety and OCD is through mindfulness, tolerating the moment and wise mind. Last night I had absolutely no focus in me. Tonight though, I think it’s worth a shot. Because I need to sleep. I’m too tired for this shit. I’m too tired for all this shit.