Don’t worry, this post isn’t all about a “new year, new me.” I don’t believe in that kind of stuff. You can choose to change whenever you want; the new year only signifies the rotation of the Earth around the sun, not a rotation to your personality, bad behaviors or habits. Whew, ok, got that out of my system. So if this post isn’t about that, then what is it about? Well…
Work still sucks. I’m the kind of person that gives 110% to whatever I’m doing, even if I don’t like what I’m doing. I’ve basically been demoted to a bartender and only do supervisory things when it’s convenient for the other managers. Frustrating, much? My parents are laying it on thick about me getting a new job, finding a path for my life, stopping the aimless wandering that I’ve been doing basically for the last ten years. Craig wants me to get myself together and find a hobby (gag). One of the traits of Borderline Personality Disorder is the inability to engage in activities for long periods of time. Basically, I get bored super easily. So no matter what I’m doing, my attention can’t be held for long and I return to that wary, unsure place where my mind drifts around and idles on things left undone or unsaid.
Now, I know my parents are “serious” about their pressures in a way that they weren’t before. My father called me and we had a 45 minute conversation about how I was better than this, and I’m his daughter and my last name means that we don’t break for anything. It was quite inspiring, actually. The thing is, my father only does that when he’s serious. Like, really, genuinely worried about me. It sorta freaks me out. He’s an easy peg, my father. I know his rhythms, his mannerisms, his intonations, all of it. I mean, I’ve lived with him my whole life. And to see him switch into that mode, of coach and leader, is definitely a big deal.
My mother is more the gentle one. She nudges me in certain directions as encouragement to get my life back on track. I sit here and listen to neither of them. And it amazes me that I can be so stupid sometimes. Like, I know this job is detrimental to my health, my well-being, but I stick around. I like the people, and I’ve grown fond of the business itself. But, for some reason, I can’t shake it.
I don’t make enough money to make rent. I don’t make enough money to have savings. I don’t have career goals. But, I think all the nudging is finally getting inside my thick skull. I think I’m ready to move on, to figure something else out. Because I’m doing the type of thing I never wanted to do. This is the pinnacle of what I don’t want to be doing for the rest of my life. Am I making a rash decision? I can’t afford to straight up quit, but I have to figure something out. Being an adult is one of the hardest things ever.