“Be Still My Heart ‘Cause It’s Freaking Out…”

images (2)Wow. I haven’t blogged in so long they went and changed the format on me. How can I even begin to explain everything that’s happened since August? Well, I guess I’ll start from the beginning and recall as much as I can…but there may not be any chronological rhythm to this at all (or sense for that matter) because we all know that I lack any sense of time (or sense).

August 26th- School started. The week was uneventful, really. My teachers are all weird and a bit off. I’m taking Human Development, Cognitive Psychology, Math (all of which I have tomorrow), Cross-Cultural Psychology, and Intro to Family Studies. I don’t really have a favorite yet. I do know I don’t like Cross-Cultural at all. I thought that would be the most intriguing, the most engaging, and by far, my favorite, but boy was I wrong! I don’t know what it is about that class but that teacher really makes me grind my teeth. Like she’s got bad vibes or something. I don’t know. Her juju is off. And she’s already tried to kick me out. Since when is being in class not voluntary in college? I don’t know, I think the whole thing…lacks a challenge, I guess. But then again, I haven’t really been doing much schoolwork for there to be a challenge to be challenged by. Okay, that sentence got away from me. I mean, you would think that after all of this neglectful blogging, after all the awesome tweets and Instagram posts, that my life would have to be super miraculously busy for things to be cancelling out blog time, but they aren’t. It just hasn’t happened.

Boys Boys Boys- Besides being a song on Lady Gaga’s first (very underrated) album, I have had them on my brain a lot lately. It’s quite unusual for me actually because I’m not usually one to focus on the opposite sex. No, it’s not because I’m one of those weirdos that thinks about like, lawn trellises or gnomes or something, I just never had much success with them so I never gave it much thought after a while. They sort of take a back burner when you take a back burner to them. But…like the week before school started, while I was out with Allison on a spur of the moment trip to Target that I had actually suggested, a guy came around the corner and started talking to me. He was an employee and after a few minutes of polite conversation, we went on and did our thing, but then, he was persistent and kept talking. I tend to be a bit of a flirt (I know, weird right? Social IQ of a block of wood but when it comes to flirting, I’m all cool) so I was playing off of the conversation and it led to him giving me his number which led to us going out on a date like the very next day. We’ve been talking ever since. It’s awesome. I really like him, too. I don’t know if it’s because of things going on in his life and school starting but our communication has slowed down a lot these past few days which freaks me out a bit. I’m sure it’s absolutely nothing. Okay, no I’m not. That’s a total lie. I can go a really long time without hearing from him and that bothers me. A lot. But I don’t know what else to do except be patient, bite my tongue and keep it moving. I’m not super experienced in this area so I don’t have a lot to go on and not a lot of people to ask. I’m treading water with him right now. It’s okay but I hope nothing goes wrong, nothing gets too intense or he decides that he doesn’t want anything serious.

Demi Lovato World Tour- Speaking of Allison, we had purchased concert tickets to Demi Lovato’s concert back in like June, thinking it would be an awesome experience. Demi is a real person, as in she’s a cutter, she’s been through the system, that sort of thing, plus I really enjoy her music so it was bound to be a good time. Boy was that the biggest misinterpretation of my life! I had been texting her more and more throughout the week with lyrics and pictures of little cartoons I’d drawn in my planner of Saturday night, marked off with “Demi” written in block letters, stuff like that. She never really seemed excited for it but I thought that was probably just a lack of time for texting. No big deal. Okay, I can handle that. Well, Friday night rolls around and I’m hanging out with BBB (aforementioned member of the opposite sex- this shall be his moniker until I come up with a better one) when she texts me and says she can’t wait for Tuesday. Um…Tuesday? What happens Tuesday? Apparently, she had gotten the schedule wrong and thought the big event was on Tuesday night instead of Saturday. Alright, Lucy, breathe, you can handle this. After sorting that little mistake out, she informs me that she is going to the movies with her brother 2 hours before the concert so if I want to come, I’m welcome, but if not, she’ll just meet me at the arena. Okay, this (especially for the dudes) may not seem like such a big deal. First of all, the thing is, I wasn’t super mad at first. I was hurt more than anything else. Granted, it took me a while (as in a few days) to figure out what exactly this feeling was and put a name to it, but I have and that’s what it is. I’m hurt. She made these plans with me months ago, then made plans with her brother not even a week before, and blows me off (sort of) to be with him. Now, the part that might confuse those that produce more testosterone than estrogen is the fact that I got ready for this performance by myself. I was alone for the prep, the drive, the parking, the walking, the waiting and the light-dimming. She didn’t show up until the very last few minutes before the show, and she showed up in like sweatpants. This concert was supposed to be a pick-me-up for the both of us. Something to look forward to, no matter what was happening in our lives. And she ruined it. The concert was epic though. Demi, Christina Perri and MKTO were all absolutely amazing. Like, there are no words. For Allison, there are quite a few. And this sort of thing has happened more than once. Well, not the whole being hurt thing but definitely making me question what it is exactly that I’m getting out of this relationship? Sounds shallow right? Sounds harsh and fucked up and totally like ulterior motive but friendships are supposed to be mutual bonds. Both parties are supposed to benefit from them and with her, I don’t. I get absolutely nothing from her as a friend. And what I do get is almost like a weak attempt at substituting the lack of substance she is totally aware is missing. No. I can’t. Not again. I lost sleep over this. This concert was a week ago (it’s Friday, it was last Saturday!) and I’m still stressing over it. She is in my head and it can’t be like that.

WebMD- Well, um, that pretty much sums it up. I know they tell doctors when they’re going through medical school that they’re going to think they have every single disease they’re researching or learning about. Well, most of the stuff I’m learning in my psychology classes isn’t clinical; it isn’t diagnostic or useful in terms of applying it to symptoms or a scenario involving a patient. For me, that’s a double-edged sword. Why? Well because, my latest search has resulted in the same answer every single time. Schizophrenia. Over the past few nights, I’ve had these waking dreams. I feel things that aren’t there, I’m distantly aware of what is happening but helpless and totally out of control to stop it. And the few times I come up for air like that, I’m immediately plunged back under and surrounded in this twilight-like state where I’m not sure what exists and what doesn’t, what is real and what isn’t. I get up soaked in sweat, sometimes out of my clothes. I’ve actually managed to create an odor in the sheets, that’s how badly they get drenched every night. And the paranoia, the gripping fear that is so incapacitating at night is starting to creep in during the day. Yesterday after driving home from class, I nearly lost consciousness from feeling like I couldn’t breathe. It wasn’t your normal panic attack though, there were…spiders. These horrible, little spiders. And the more I think about it, it’s like Pandora’s box is rebuilding itself and I suddenly understand the system of the universe. I’m the wife in the Bible that turned around the see the city of Gamorra burning and turned into a pillar of salt. Things are unraveling quickly but, I feel like, they’ve never been wound tight to begin with. I think signs were always there and no one noticed, no one was aware of what was happening or why. I think it was mine to find and now that I have, things are coming to light like never before. I don’t know what to do. For now, lunch.

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