“I Finally Found the Missing Part of Me…But You Were Far Away”

event_22700128If anyone is interested, I updated my “About Me” page. I totally didn’t know that it existed until WordPress started yelling at me to update my information. I’ll explore the other pages when I’m finished writing this entry. My cousin, Kareem, won a lifetime achievement award for his service in EMS down in Virginia Beach and Kempsville. His girlfriend threw him a surprise party and of course, most of the family was invited. My dad and I went (Mom had to stay home and take Thomas to his taping for the show “It’s Academic!”), despite the fact that I’m wearing a cast (blue, because teal wasn’t an option) on my right foot. Last week, Dick and I were out at Rocks State Park, going to the King and Queen Seat. I stepped on a sloped rock that was covered in leaves and I knew I was not going to remain vertical. My right foot wrapped around under my butt and sort of cushioned the fall, but at the same time, caused a stress fracture on the outer part of my foot and a possible fracture in my ankle. I survived the first night without any sort of support but by Sunday, Thomas drove me to Patient First so I could be splinted until I saw the podiatrist (which happened on Monday). Dick was amazing though. When I wasn’t ready to get up, he sat down next to me so that I didn’t look like a total idiot while I was lying on my rear in the middle of the park. It was really sweet. It’s almost been 2 months for us. I think that’s really exciting, since this is basically a long-distance relationship. When I was with my dad, I was telling him about Dick while we were driving home. I didn’t have anything to do in the car so we talked the whole way, which is a little unusual for us. I told him about Dick’s sincerity and how genuine he is, how he cares for me whole-heartedly for me and how, despite our differences, we get along. My dad returned with saying that all that was good but it was really important to be in a relationship with someone who, not just loves you, but simply likes you. And I think that’s what Dick does. I definitely believe that our relationship can be boiled down to a simple friendship. I can tell him anything and know that there is no judgment. Eventually, we came around to the fact that Dick and I have differences of opinion politically and how I’m worried the color of my skin is having an effect on his family. I’ve never dated a white man before. My family has no problem with him. My dad even revealed that he got “good vibes” from Dick when he met him. He didn’t have those with any of my previous boyfriends and look how they ended up. He explained that I can only be myself. I can’t change their minds or sway their opinions and I’m not supposed to try. My goal is to love (and like) Dick. And I can do that. My goal with Thomas right now is to shower him in love too. He is lost. Making decisions and having a concrete idea of what is to happen in his future has suddenly become impossible for him. He doubts himself and I try to explain that this is normal and it’s okay! Teenagers are allowed to go into school without knowing what they want to do. They have time to explore and test the waters, but he isn’t listening. His therapist felt that Thomas’s anger and existentialism was getting far too out of hand whenever we went to sessions so he suggested we go see a psychiatrist. We complied, though this makes my stomach churn. Thomas was put on Prozac. It’s a low dose but Thomas is a volatile, emotionally charged teenager. Putting an SSRI into his system does not seem like a good idea. I’m scared it’ll back-fire and end up costing us. Badly. And I can’t live without Thomas.

“You’re Gonna Hear Me Roar!”

flat,550x550,075,fHey. Hello. Bonjour. It’s been quite a while since you’ve heard from me. When I left you, I was seeing things and basically completely off my rocker. Well, let me get right to the point. I was hospitalized for a week. I met amazing people in the hospital. All sorts of characters and classes. We all just really connected, it was amazing. I was put on Seroquel, which helped stabilize the visions and hallucinations. It didn’t get rid of them completely, but it definitely helped. I coasted through the one-year anniversary of not speaking toMara without too much pain and agony. I passed all my summer classes, astonishingly with flying colors. Things pretty much settled down at the end of the summer. I signed up for a dating website at Jackie’s behest (she joined and didn’t want to be alone) and met a really great guy. I approached him first and we started texting right away. We’ve already said the L word but it just feels so comfortable and right with him. I don’t know how to explain it. Like when I said it to Vladimir, I had to think about it and analyze it. With him, I just knew. His name is Dick, he’s really sweet. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had our problems but we’re working on them. He genuinely wants this to work, as do I. He came up yesterday to hang out. I took him to Rocks State Park where I made a fool of myself and slipped. I laughed it off and when I wasn’t ready to stand up, he sat down next to me, right there in the middle of the path, so that I wouldn’t look so dumb. It was really sweet. He honestly is a really great guy. I completed my externship…finally! I worked at a urology office near my house. The work wasn’t so bad. My duties were to call the patients back and collect a urine sample, measure their vitals and put them in an exam room. Occasionally, I did bladder scans, which check your bladder to see how much liquid is in there after you’ve already peed. I assisted with several voiding trials and even did one on my own. I gave a few testosterone shots. The experience was very enlightening. It was great. I worked with amazing people and I loved getting to see the same patients repeatedly so I got to know how they were doing as time went on. I passed Bowling and Walking class with A’s but I honestly wasn’t worried about either one of those classes. Interpersonal Communications on the other hand, may be a problem. I missed a few of the deadlines at the beginning of the semester and ever since then, I’ve had problems with the class, the teacher, my classmates. It’s all crumbling and if I don’t pass this class, I can’t graduate in December. That will SUCK! I don’t know what I would do if I would have to take yet another semester at HCC. Like I think I would literally rip my hair out. But my teacher is not sympathetic in the least way so I have to figure out how to either get my computer working or get this grade up, or both before the semester ends so that I can graduate. It’s nerve-wracking! Then of course, my health is headed down the tubes. After I’d been on the Seroquel for a while, my liver enzymes shot up and were dangerously high. We made adjustments and they lowered to normal levels. But they yo-yoed. Back and forth, back and forth. Dr. Glover wasn’t sure what to make of the situation so she took me completely off the Risperidone and the Naltrexone (THANK YOU!), lowered the Lithium and the Seroquel and added Hydroxyzine. Well, everything leveled out but when we stopped the Naltrexone, my cutting started again. I wasn’t aware that it was that in control of my cutting and picking. I thought I was doing it all on my own, thanks to DBT, Allister and my own  willpower. Nope! Of course, that was a huge blow to my self-esteem, which didn’t help at all. I cut everyday, sometimes when I was at work, for about a week. I picked my fingers obsessively. That’s when the Hydroxyzine was added. I take it as needed throughout the day and then at night to help me sleep. On top of all of this, I’ve got stomach problems and I’m losing weight, I’ve got strange skin issues and some sort of cold or strep throat thing going on. All of it is horrible! I feel really crappy! And I feel like there’s some overall illness that all these individual doctors I’m seeing aren’t able to grasp because they’re so focused on their specialty. But someone’s going to notice. Even if it’s when it’s too late. Someone will notice. I’ve been watching documentaries like crazy. The last one I watched was about a girl who had cystic fibrosis. She was so full of life and energy, even though she was dying. She was pretty and spunky and fun. She received a lung transplant just as things looked desperate. After two years of living life to the fullest, her body started rejecting the lungs and she past away about six months later. She was inspiring. And it made me wonder. Have I ever been like that to anyone? I mean, I complain and moan and sulk. That’s part of depression. I grieve for my own death and I plan my own departure from this Earth. I imagine who will find my body and what expression my glassy-eyed face will be making. How could that be inspiring to anyone? But I feel like I should. I feel like I need to. I feel like I have this story to tell, and even though it’s not a long one, it needs to be heard.

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