“Trouble is a Friend”

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Long time, no write. It’s been quite a while and of course, the first thing I bring you since I haven’t spoken to you in months is bad news. I cut myself last night. I broke my record streak of 5 months by drawing 4 thin lines into my wrist with a box cutter I bought at Walgreen’s for 5 bucks. A lot has happened since I last wrote. I started my externship for my Medical Assisting program, which means I’m that much closer to graduation…and adulthood, the thing I fear as though it were a monster in my closet and I was a little kid with only Molly, my ragdoll to protect me. The office dynamics are…interesting, to say the least. They sway from being pleasant and entertaining to an awful nightmare that I want to leave immediately. It’s not the work; I don’t mind the work at all. It’s the people. They’re the ones that are making this difficult. And then the weekends. The weekends happen and for some reason, it’s like Thelma and Louise up in here. I’m coasting along, doing just fine and Friday afternoon approaches, my superior gives me permission to leave and I’m suddenly at the edge of the cliff, gripping the steering wheel and flooring it off the edge. Last weekend I accidentally overdosed on lithium…let me tell you, not a fun experience. I spent Saturday night in the hospital and all day Sunday, recuperating. This weekend, I went over to Dick’s house (I’ll tell you about him in a second) on Friday and spent most of the day there. Yesterday, I went shopping for my dad with Thomas and then came home and sank into this deep sinkhole. That’s when I decided to go for a drive, buy a pack of cigarettes and cut myself. I don’t know exactly what set it off. I think it was a combination of feeling like I don’t deserve Dick, feeling like I don’t deserve to go to heaven (more on that later) and feeling like I’m fucking up Thomas’s life beyond all recognition. Ok…so my list of things to tell you about since I haven’t written in months…

1. Dick- Jackie joined okcupid.com a little while ago and found this awesome guy. She started talking to him and they really hit it off. Since my love life was nonexistent, she suggested that I join the site too. Basically, it’s a free online dating service that matches you up with people based on a series of questions you answer. So I did it. I talked to a few guys, messaged a few more, but wasn’t having any luck. Then, I found Dick. I messaged him and he actually messaged me back and we started talking. We really got along and pretty soon we traded phone numbers. Next thing I know, we’re texting. Pretty soon after that, we’re arranging to meet each other. He lives in Anne Arundel County, which is a little bit of a drive for me but I don’t mind it at all, if it means I get to see him. We officially declared our relationship on September 15, 2013. It’s moving kind of fast because we’ve already said ‘I love you.’ The thing with that is though, it’s the truth. I do love him. And that’s part of the reason I cut. I don’t feel like I deserve him. Dick is an amazing man. He’s got a great sense of humor, he’s sweet and caring, he’s in tune with what I need and definitely cares about my opinion and my needs. Why do I deserve a man like that? What have I done in my life to justify God dropping such a gift in my lap?

2. Health problems- My health has been so topsy-turvey that it’s utterly ridiculous. Ok, so my liver enzymes were crazy high at one point so we cut back on the lithium and Seroquel and dropped the Naltrexone completely. Well, needless to say, shortly after I started picking my fingers like crazy. My liver enzymes returned to normal according to my psychiatrist. A few weeks later, I had bloodwork done by my GP and she claimed that my liver enzymes were off again and that I needed to see a gastroenterologist pronto. Well, I reluctantly scheduled an appointment with one. But the thing is, all of a sudden, now when I’m around food and other people, I suddenly get really nauseous. I’ve been taking Prevacid and Dramamine like crazy to keep my stomach calm but it only helps so much. And I think I should go back on the Naltrexone but then my pain medications for my RSD won’t work as well because they’re narcotics. It’s a catch-22 and I don’t know what to do about it at all.

3. Thomas- Thomas started therapy at his behest a few months ago. His therapist recently declared that he should be on antidepressants, which I’m totally against but no one seems to be listening to me. He’s got anger issues, and he hates people, and he’s bored and wants to move out of Maryland pronto. Everything he says and does; his mannerisms, his tone, everything reminds me of myself, pre-hospitalization of 2012. That is not a good sign at all. Thomas looks up to me, despite my warnings not to. And the problem with that, is that I am not a good role model. I don’t have both feet on the ground. I don’t have a good head on my shoulders. I’m the last person that should be setting an example for someone else. And yet, Thomas is like my clone. Everything he does, reminds me of me. And I’m terrified he’s going to turn down the wrong path. That’s he going to veer left instead of right and head down the path of destruction and despair. And if he did that, it would literally tear this family apart. We can’t handle 2 crazy kids.

That’s been my life since I’ve last written to you all. Fun, right? Th externship is weighing on my brain, Thomas being “sick” is weighing even more and I have no idea what to do about Dick. This road isn’t fun and I have nowhere left to turn.