Minding

Shark attack survivor, professional surfer, and inspiring role model Bethany HamiltonI’m bored. I’m watching Soul Surfer for the millionth time, debating on what book I’d like to read and waiting for my Medical Billing teacher to email me back so I can tackle this overdue assignment. I’ve decided that my RSD is the culprit for these strange symptoms I’ve been having lately and I don’t like it one bit, especially since I was denied ketamine. Why, you might be asking? Well because I was too honest with them. They didn’t like the fact that I had a history of suicidal ideations. And of course, I just had to be honest with them. I don’t know what I was thinking. Whatever. They offered me a different treatment which, at first, I wasn’t willing to try because I was so pissed off at them but now I guess it’s something I’d consider. I’ve been noticing that about myself lately. Mindfulness. It’s weird because I’m the exact opposite of a mindful person. I’m always worrying about the past or the future. I’m occupied with something someone’s done or what I’ve done, whether it be how that driver just cut me off or how I never applied to college when I was in high school. I’m constantly doing that. But lately, I’ve had no trouble letting things go. Of course, it’s not big things like the example I just gave about not applying for college but that driver that just cut me off? Yea, don’t worry about him. Totally forgotten! It’s just nice to finally feel like, for once, some of my hard work is actually paying off. I feel like I’m actually seeing the results of using the skills Allister’s taught me. That, coupled with the fact that the Prozac seems to be helping, makes me feel better. Don’t get ahead of yourself. It’s not a rainbows-and-sunshine-over-the-moon type of better, but it’s definitely an improvement. And that’s weird for me. Living with and in illness has become so normal for me that I don’t know what to do with all this new found energy I have. Normally, I’m lying in bed, sleeping all day. Now, I have the energy to stay awake all day. Like even today, it’s 6:35 PM and I didn’t take a nap all day. I’m not used to being bored. When you’re depressed, you don’t have the energy, nor the attention span to be bored. Now, it’s like that’s all I am. I even went and bought an armband to my iPod because I plan on going to the gym more often. Now, if only I could get through this little flare up. That’s the toughest part of this. Having a physical and mental illness. But you know what? I can do this!

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