Digging Up Dirt

imagesSometimes getting what you wished for sucks. Even though you aren’t supposed to tell your wishes, I sort of already told mine. I wanted to get into serious shit with Allister in therapy. And I most definitely got my wish. But is it wrong that I’m now kind of wishing I didn’t? We’re talking about the problems my parents have created in my life, mostly through their favoritism towards my younger brother. Now, I’m not one to point the finger at anyone (actually, I am. I love blaming people for my problems) but when it comes to my parents, this is especially tricky for me to do and I don’t know why. Part of me feels as though I should be angry (partially because Allister said it was acceptable to be, not necessarily that I had to be) but I’m not. Instead, I’m still pining for their love and affection. I’m still waiting for the day when they recognize everything they’ve done and apologize to me. But that’s being willful. Allister was very blunt today when he told me that I was being willful and resistant to Recovery because I was afraid. I’m not even going to lie, it hurt. Not because it’s a false statement. It hurt because it’s true. I don’t mean to be resistant. I try as hard as I can to be the exact opposite. I try to be effective but it’s always at the most critical times, the times that matter, that I fail. So it’s as if I wasn’t trying at all. That’s how my entire life has been. I would resist temptation and the one time I would give in was the one time the teacher/parent/guardian/God was looking. It’s just so frustrating to know that I suck at being effective. Like that’s just one more thing I’m bad at. One more thing to add to my list of failures and defeats. What am I supposed to do with this list? I was telling Thomas about today’s tough therapy session and he was saying how he understood how powerful fear could be, even as a motivator and that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself because I wasn’t doing it on purpose. But what if I am? What if subconsciously/consciously I am? What if, deep down, I know exactly what I’m doing when I resist or become willful? Then who am I helping? I just feel like I’m never going to get better. I feel like this is never going to end. I can’t be mad at my parents for something they did, even though there’s no denying they did it. I tried that once and it failed miserably. And then I feel like a traitor for whining about all of this to my computer screen and not Allister himself. He’ll read all of this eventually but until then, it’s my little, shameful secret. I just feel so lost and confused. I feel like I’m dredging up all of this old shit and now I don’t know what to do with it. I mean, I need this old dirt, it’s helping me to figure out the root of the problem. There’s just so much shit everywhere right now, I don’t know what to do with myself.

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