“Why Can’t They Understand The Way We Feel?”

44youllbecddeFor some reason, I like to write early in the morning. Or would it be considered late at night? It’s 3:06 AM on Tuesday, February 12, 2013. I have class today at 2:10 in the afternoon. About 11 hours from now, actually. I took a Melatonin last night because I knew sleeping would be difficult but obviously it isn’t working. I slept literally all afternoon yesterday. I woke up at noon, got up for an hour, then went back to sleep until 3:00. It was ridiculous. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I laid in bed the rest of the day. My mom had me call Dr. Ordella but I don’t know what that’s going to do since we basically abandoned our doctor/patient relationship last time we had a visit. I highly doubt she’s going to be of any help. And I don’t see Allister until Wednesday. I’m at a loss. I do everything I’m supposed to do. I do Opposite Action (except for yesterday, yesterday I didn’t do squat!), I practice resistance when it comes to cutting, I attend therapy and group every single week, I visit with my psychiatrist once a month, I take my medicine every day and what? What happens? I’m still miserable. I don’t understand. And I’ve recently learned that this whole ‘chemical imbalance in the brain’ thing might not even be true. Some scientists believe it was gimmick made up by the drug companies to make people take medication. That’s really promising, right? That’s really reassuring that the one thing that I actually took solace in, the one thing that actually convinced me this was an actual disease might not even be true. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with this knowledge. Ruin other people’s lives? Shatter other people’s hopes for treatment? Deja vu! Whoa! I’m listening to “You’ll Be In My Heart” by Phil Collins. It’s on my Anti-Happiness playlist on YouTube. I’m depressed, okay? This song always reminds me of my dad. I’m so scared I’m going to lose him and this song perfectly captures that feeling. Okay, anyway, back to the issue, I don’t know what to do about this depression. And no one else seems to know either. I almost feel crazy. I feel like I’m in gym class, climbing that rope where you have to ring the cow bell at the top. Well, I’m at the top, ringing that stupid bell and no one’s around to hear. And no one’s around to tell me how to get down. I’m stuck up here, alone, screaming for help. I have no idea what to do. And I’m sick of feeling that way too. I’m sick of feeling like there’s no hope for me. I’m sick of feeling out of control. I feel like there’s no hope for me. I need control in my life. I need to be able to handle some portion of my life somehow. But how? I don’t know. I’m lost. And I don’t know how to find my way back. I’m getting sleepy.

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5 Comments

  1. wow! I think you’ve resumed it all…that’s exactly how i feel every single day and i still feel there is no one i can actually turn to, and no-one can take this feeling of emptiness and impotency away…(sorry if my english is not perfect, i’m french)…Medicine, therapists, self motivation, family, boyfriend, it doesn’t change a thing, i still wake up after a bad night feeling useless and hopeless and scared to be like that for the rest of my life and i don’t understand why this is happening to me ! and i feel guilty about it, which doesn’t help and it’s a never ending circle.
    BPD, i don’t care about what scientists say, they never agree anyway on many things…i still believe this is a mental illness because it is not normal to feel that way ALL the time…The most difficult thing is to cope with the wish to self harm or even commit suicide, and it’s a daily challenge and people don’t see how much energy and will it takes from us…I wish they could be in our shoes at least for one single day, so they will stop being judgemental or saying stupid things such as: “oh but you are talented in so many ways, you’re beautiful, you’re young, you should stop listening too much to yourself, you should try to do things and so on…”…I should ? well, silly, i really wish i COULD !…
    Thanks for your post, it really made me feel less lonely , at least while reading it.
    Good luck and hope there will be a better future…
    peace xx
    Délia

  2. I used to think that if “mental illness” weren’t real that it would mean all my problems were my fault or, as one psychiatrist put in my assessment, “characterological in nature.” It’s been so, so freeing for me to discover that there is a third option: that I’m not sick OR bad! (Well, no more bad than the average person). This doesn’t mean you’re just like everyone else either…I’ve reframed my understanding of being “borderline” as being a sensitive person in a really harsh, mess-up world. Why wouldn’t I struggle??

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