“A Very Special Unbirthday To You!”

I’m about to turn 23. My birthday is in 38 minutes. Well, technically I was born at night so it’s not for another few hours but you get what I mean! I was sitting here, watching Psych (as usual) and I was thinking about my life. I just got into this argument about disease awareness with one of Jackie’s Facebook friends because he is a moron. It got me thinking though. Over the past two weeks, my left arm has become completely useless. The RSD is spreading into my entire arm. My hand, fingers, wrists and shoulder swell every day. I have to do desensitization exercises and struggle to sleep every day because the pain is excruciating. I see a new pain specialist in two weeks (the soonest they could manage) but who knows how much damage will be done between now and then? I’m left handed. Losing mobility in my feet was one thing. Feet are a little easier to replace than hands. Dexterity, occupational functionality…all of that is so difficult to make up. And as I sit here and think of what I’ve accomplished in the last decade and 3 years, I’m on the fence about what counts. Right before my arm flared, I snagged a job working for an assisted living company. It was going to be wonderful. I had to take some courses (all paid) and get certified in a few more things before I would definitely secure it but it was totally mine. Monday, I called the woman and told her I was chronically ill and unable to work. What 23-year-old wants to say that to an employer? What 23-year-old wants to say that at all? To anyone? And this isn’t going to go away. This is something that is going to be here for the rest of my life, that is probably going to get worse, at least until I find someone who knows what the hell they’re doing to treat it. And at the rate this is spreading, I’m going to be full body before I’m 30. What about my life? Part of me is seeing the glass as full, not just with water but with air. It’s completely full to the brim. It’s overflowing. People overcome so many impossible circumstances that there is no way in hell I can let this beat me. It’s pain and part of that is mental. Part of me sees the glass as half empty, just water in it. What am I supposed to do with a life of pain? And at that, it’s not just physical pain. It’s emotional, psychological and social pain, too. I know life isn’t easy and it’s not supposed to be a cakewalk (I wonder where that phrase came from) but I do enjoy cake on occasion, and in my defense, it is my birthday in 18 minutes. How can I enjoy anything when it’s pain all the time? I feel like the Dread Pirate Roberts that hasn’t become the Dread Pirate Roberts yet. “It’s work, work, work all the time.” I just feel like at this point I should have found my niche. I should know the things I like and know the things I don’t (well, I think I have that down). I think I should have hobbies and a solid list of friends and a rather firm set of values, even of values change and shift, depending on life’s circumstances. A lot of the time, I feel like my pain (physical or mental) is punishment. I don’t know if it’s for some cosmic reason, like a reincarnation-type thing that I committed in a past life and the only way to learn the path to Nirvana to is to suffer through this…or if it’s simply shitty luck. Regardless though, I have to deal with it. And I have to watch everyone around me deal with it. Other times though, I’m not so sure. There are some genuinely good people in this world who have the worst luck. They suffer through horrible circumstances and come out the other side with grins on their faces and jubilation. I want to be more like those people. If I go down in a fiery crash, I want to be remembered as having a go-get-’em attitude, at least when it comes to this RSD stuff. We all know it doesn’t really apply to the mental stuff. That’s a different story. Pain. It warps you. Like water. And I love water. I spend a lot of time in water. Which is weird, because I spend a lot of time in pain as well. Sort of weird how we put ourselves in situations like that, huh? Anyway, happy birthday to me.